And I lay here wondering;
About the things I lost in life.
And I stand by to reason
If they really mattered;
Or if it made a difference
If I succeeded or failed
For a million people have told me –
That it is your mistakes that make you who you are.
But as I wonder on,
I seldom think if they were mistakes;
Or just the right decisions that I regret I took.
Because I heard somewhere
Even the wrong decisions surpass the pleasure
Compared to the right ones
Because a person is not stuck with the question
Asking himself all his life.. “What if?”
So, I try to reason.
But reason in itself seems useless these days;
For I see people happier than me
Without any reason to justify their happiness
And it makes me wonder
If my search for reason is my problem.
If I am doomed to constant sadness because I search for answers;
Answers which now I see
For me make the most difference in the world
But seem useless to everyone else
I, thus, see myself
Trapped in an eternal thought.
Never to find true happiness
For I have started to question my happiness
And over-analyze it
Tearing it apart limb from limb
Searching for a reason why I was that happy
Only to find that I have killed my happiness in the process !
But, I do not resent myself these days
I know I am damaged
And as I see the world smiling at me
While I force a smile at them
I wonder if the smile of the world is also forced
If other people are just as unhappy as me
But they can deal with it
It just leaves me with a constant question